


The Secret Lives of Clothes

by Loki_is_on_crack



Category: Original Work
Genre: Crack, Other, Well-Dressed Men, punks, well-dressed women
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-18
Updated: 2012-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-07 22:35:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7732360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_is_on_crack/pseuds/Loki_is_on_crack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four pieces of clothing, and what they think of each other.  And the people wearing them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Secret Lives of Clothes

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this about four years ago, and have long forgotten what inspired it. I'm betting someone made some off-hand comment about certain clothes being gay, and instead of being mortally offended by a casual display of heteronormativity (as I'm sure I ought to have been), my brain took it sideways and wondered what clothes might be like if some of them actually _were_ gay. Of if the person wearing the clothes were gay, but the clothes themselves were straight. And then I forgot about it until the movie _The Secret Life of Pets_ came out...

I have the best job in the world: making this beautiful lawyer feel sexy. She puts me on, she admires how I hug her curves... and then, she puts on a business suit on top of me. No one has ever seen her wear me, except for her. I kinda like that, actually. I get to be her dirty little secret.

In the legal world, she takes no prisoners. She's surrounded by men in suits, most of whom are tempted to take her less seriously because she's a beautiful woman, and she has to remind them, regularly, that she's just as tough as they are if not more so.

She has a soft side, though. She wishes she didn't have to do that. She wishes that she could afford to be human in the courtroom and not have it be seen as a show of weakness. But for now, she has me.

Well, there is that one guy who wears custom-made suits. He's always been kind and respectful to her, and holy crap, look at his shoulders! I wonder if my owner will ever show him my lacy bits? Or even her racy bits? Probably not. I've seen him sneak glances at other suits.

I wonder if she'll ever show my lacy bits to anyone. I know she's lonely, but her job eats up nearly every bit of time she has, and who's she gonna date, one of those assholes at work? Let's be serious.

She makes do, though. I'd tell you about her toy collection, but like me, it's her little secret.

 

I lead a very pampered life. But then again, when you consider that my owner paid several thousand dollars to have me constructed just for him, you might expect that. Every few days, I'm awakened from my nap on a nice padded hanger, and given a mission: to help him face the world. And I do it well. I help him impress people. I give him a flattering silhouette. (Between you and me, though, he's actually in really good shape, just a tiny bit soft around the belly. I draw people's attention away from that, and up to his shoulders, which are honestly pretty impressive even without my help. You mustn't tell anyone!) And at the end of the day, he'll take me off meticulously and put me back on my nice padded hanger. Tomorrow, one of my three brothers-in-armoire will serve him as faithfully as I do today.

Wait, what's this? He's looking at some skater punk while he's at the gym? Jeez, look at the state of those jeans. Torn to shreds in places, faded, and way too tight. No freedom of movement at all. And are those stains I see? Yuck! My owner works with that pretty lawyer who clearly likes him very much, and he's looking at _this?_ Has he lost his damn mind?

...Still, that guy does look comfortable. I'm sure that denim is really soft from having been distressed so much. And it leaves no doubt as to what kind of rear end he has; he's clearly no stranger to the squat rack. And holy crap, it outlines his penis! How shameless -- where I come from, clothes are not supposed to show their owner's genitals so clearly! You can practically tell that this punk is Jewish!

What is this, Lady and the Tramp? I'm not supposed to want this... but I wonder what it would be like to be hastily thrown on the floor, with those scruffy jeans thrown just as hastily on top of me. I bet they're really soft. I bet all those loose threads tickle. I bet their weight is just perfect...

 

I'm not the happiest pair of jeans around.

Once upon a time, I was in the Women's section of a department store, minding my own business, waiting for some slinky college girl to pick me up... but in case you hadn't heard, there's this trend in certain circles for skinny guys to buy their jeans in Ladies. So, here I am, on a skater dude's ass. And have I mentioned that his hygiene is not the best?

I'm not happy about this. I have several good friends who are happy that it was a guy who picked them out of Ladies, but I was meant to be a _woman's_ pair of skinny jeans.

Still, this isn't all bad. Every Sunday, all my friends and I have this magical experience together. For about fifteen minutes, we are all thrown against each other in hot water... and if you've never felt anything like it, I can't really do it justice. If I had to try, though... try to imagine something that has all the best features of a jacuzzi, an orgy, and a mosh-pit all at once. As long as my owner doesn't throw his spiked belt in by mistake. That spiked belt's an asshole. Or his underwear. Sometimes he doesn't have the pocket change to wash his underwear in a separate load with lots of bleach, and that's kinda gross.

 

Dammit! This is so degrading!

Is it really that damn hard for humans to wipe their asses properly when they pinch off a loaf?

Because lemme tell you, my owner still hasn't mastered this. And I bear the stripes of shame to prove it.

Fuck my life.


End file.
